The Life and Times of the Super Smash Sisterhood
by Lady Paprika
Summary: A series of one-shots that semi-overlap, mostly centering around Zelda, Peach and Samus and the mostly silly scenarios and challenges they face in a male-dominated organization. Warning: Contains fluff, romance, humor, one clueless!Zelda, one obnoxious!Peach, and one irritable!Samus. Latest: Samus, who exactly is Microman and why do you keep talking to yourself?
1. Peach: A Day in the Life of Peach

**A Day in the Life of Peach**

**Miss Glimmer**

* * *

"You do it."

"No, you do it!"

"Can't you?"

I only have seconds until the inevitable question, so acting quickly is key. I assume an unassuming face and walk out the bathroom door, steam dissipating into the air. I wish _I_ could evaporate that quickly. Alas, I'm no Metaknight or Zelda.

Speaking of Zelda...

"Peach!"

I feign surprise. She's addressed me first. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing because Zelda is a lot less blunt than Samus, the other person involved in the whine-fest, but she always has this condescending look in her eyes, like she's heard it all before, so she knows exactly what to say.

"Did you need the shower? I might have used up all the hot water." I'm prolonging the inevitable. I'm hoping she's blindsided by my question, but my feeble attempts to steer the conversation away are thwarted.

"No, but I was wondering if I could talk to you?" She sounds timid as if I'm going to squash her into a pulp. Which, I might, if I were some commoner who lacks manners. But I'm not. Not yet anyway. So I force on a smile but with my uncooperating jaw I'm guessing I look more like I'm constipated.

"_We_ both were wondering." Samus butts in, when she decides that Zelda's approach doesn't suit her. Good cop, bad cop approach? They certainly don't win points for originality.

I scrub my forehead with my palm, mumbling a, "Sure." _Why are they my roommates again?_ If it had been Daisy, she would've known enough to keep out of it, leaving me alone in my anguish to weep to my heart's content and reemerge a woman with many scars. (And horribly composed poems and other embarrassing unspeakables, but shh! Let's not go there.)_  
_

Instead, I'm stuck with a blunt, hot-tempered Samus, and Zelda, sweet, gentle and totally naive. Whoever claimed that Zelda, being the holder of the Triforce of Wisdom, was wise herself is a liar.

A liar, liar pants on _fire_ kind of liar.

Link could profess his undying love, wax poetry about her beauty, and even make babies with her, and she _still_ wouldn't understand that he's totally gaga over her. (And believe me, I've seen some of the poetry folded up in his jeans pocket when it was my turn to do the laundry. It's pretty sappy.)

It could make a girl vomit. She has this nice guy at his knees, whose absolutely _gorgeous,_ and I'm well... I'm...

"Is it true that Ike cheated on you?"

I blanch.

_Yep._

That's where I am in regards to the male population.

So I do what any respectable princess does, when they don't want to show anybody that they're an ugly crier just yet.

I bring out my frying pan and imagine Samus's face as Ike's and swing it hard, while letting loose a stream of curse words, most of which I doubt has ever graced Zelda's delicate little elfin ears.

Unfortunately, I've forgotten one tiny detail which goes by this title: Even Though Samus is One of My Best Friends, She Also Posesses a Deadly Instinct to Kill or Seriously Maim/Injure a Person Who Dares Lay a Finger On Her.

Which is how I found myself in the hospital with Zelda and Mario as my only sources of comfort. Well, them and some old reruns of _The Young and the Reckless. _Not that I watch soap dramas or anything.

Of course not.

Samus is noticeably absent. "She coulda brogen my nose!" Zelda quotes her, doing a perfect imitation of a person whose suffering from a bad nosebleed (Which Samus had), before trying to reassure me that she meant well and didn't mean to almost kill me.

Sure.

At least she didn't break my body. Instead, I look more dried prune than human.

It doesn't help that, when I'm discharged an hour later, Mario apologetically informs me that I have a match in twenty minutes. "Pokemon Stadium, one stock with only bomb items."

This means Motion Sensor Bombs (MSBs), Bomb-ombs, Gooey Bombs, and Smart Bombs are the only items I can use. Joy. The audience loves it; so many explosions, with only one stock! You'd think they hadn't heard of Michael Bay to satisfy _that_ craving.

"Oh great," I groan. Don't get me wrong. I love fighting and stuff, but I'm not the greatest fighter, and with me not doing so hot at the moment physically and mentally... What was Master Hand even _thinking_? "Well, who is it that I'm facing? Somebody easy, I hope?" I say, hopefully thinking about Luigi or Marth who've both ranked in the bottom two last week.

Mario's face falls even further, confirming the worst. "It's um... Ike."

The universe just _loves _me, doesn't it? But before I can wax my own poetry on how exactly I feel at the moment (Zelda would have new words to add into her swearing vocabulary upon hearing it, I assure you), the warning bell sounds, signaling that I have to go.

Mario grasps my hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. He looks like he's about to say something profound but then he only says, "Good luck."

I'm thinking I'll need more than luck. Ike's the favorite amongst people to bet on this year and seeing him on the battlefield, it's easy to see why. I'm not talking about speed, cleverness or even the spammage of projectiles that some Smashers exploit. (Falco, Snake, I'm talking about you.) I'm talking about the brute force that only Ike can wield. One hit from that sword and somebody as light as me is sure to be flying across the field. And have you _seen_ the size of that thing? You don't need precision to get somebody with something that big.

Oh yeah. I'm dead. Thinking about it makes me weak at the knees, and not because of his attractive face.

Before I know it, I'm on the stage, seriously contemplating suicide, when the emcee says, "Go!"

Ike races at me, sword gripped firmly and he's headed straight at me. Gulp.

I dodge his fatal blow, but just barely. The blade of his sword slices away a few strands of hair. _Not cool, Peach._ It annoys me that he has the nerve to rip a few strands of hair off my face.

Like, seriously, dude? You just ripped out my heart by shoving your tongue down Lyn's throat. The least you could do was spare my hair! But now's not the time to harp on about my hair.

This is our little dance for some time. Me dodging, him swinging like a troll. Twice he actually manages to graze me, but it isn't significant on my damage counter. Still, I'm getting tired of dodging. I haven't managed to hit him at all, though Ike does have some damage on him, due to his inability to get a gooey bomb off him in time.

"You okay, Peach?" he asks, as I neatly dodge a heavy swing of his sword yet again. It's that concern in his voice that makes me finally snap. Who does he think he is, acting concerned for me? The nerve of him!

So I do what I'm best at.

I counter with a slap that connects with his face. You know the smack. The one that sounds like it hurts. Here's why: It _actually does hurt._

He rubs his jaw and I'm satisfied to see a very red handprint there. He looks murderous when he looks at me. If I weren't so angry at him, I'd be drooling over how hot he looks pissed.

"That was unnecessary!" he yells, face reddening, suddenly no longer attractive.

Uh oh. Better run. Adrenaline shoots down my body, simaltaneously firing me up and numbing me down. It's the high most Smashers feel when the fight gets intense. I run down the rugged terrain that Pokemon Stadium has turned into and I guess Mario's luck has finally paid off because an MSB drops out of the sky and I grab it and set it behind me. This could come in handy later on.

Or not. Ike's seen me place it though, so he jumps over it.

Great, now what? I know I can't win on brute strength alone, but I _want_ to win. I Peach Bomb him and run off, grabbing a Smart Bomb and hurl it at him and jump off the stage and wait there with my _fantastic _floating abilities. Did you know I have great floating abilities? Well, I do.

But as the bomb spreads, I realize that he's miraculously dodged the worst of it. Damn. When has _Ike_ ever been fast? My percentage is still higher than his.

I'm so preoccupied with coming up with a new strategy that I don't notice him throwing a Smart Bomb at _me_. This time, the Smart Bomb hits with precision. I'm in the heart of the bomb and let me tell you, it's no fun being in the center of that thing. It's like being ripped apart a dozen times but it's not as painful as the realization that as soon as the explosion is over, I'll lose. I can't survive this.

Is there still hope though? Maybe. I watch through slitted eyes as Ike runs to avoid the spread of the Smart Bomb he just threw, and miraculously (And stupidly. Thank the toadstools he's stupid.) he steps on the MSB that I set earlier, right as the Smart Bomb's explosion ends. We both go flying, but I can't tell who's won. It's close though.

When I'm transported to see the results, I spot Mario and he smiles at me reassuringly.

"Who won?"

"Hard to tell."

We stare at the black screen in anticipation waiting for the results. Minutes pass, and it's in that time when I cool off and think.

Is it really so important to win against Ike? It seems so dumb now when I can no longer hear the blood pounding in my ears in anger. I did have a good time fighting, though. If there's one thing that can make anyone feel good, it's a close match. I don't care about winning anymore, I decide.

And it's a good thing I've come to that conclusion because a second later the screen declares Ike the winner. It's still vaguely disappointing to see him win, even if it no longer matters to me as much.

"You did great, Peach." I look up to find Mario staring at me. And not in that condescending Zelda way either. He leans in, tilting my face with a warm, comforting hand so I look at him. "My bet is always on you, no matter what. I've never seen a person use a frying pan as lethally as you can." He chuckles.

With that he leaves and as I watch his vanishing silouette, I can't help but wonder whether or not I've been as dense as Zelda when it comes to people's feelings. I obviously don't need a knight, but maybe a plum-

No, that's ridiculous. I'm glad I didn't complete that thought. My cheeks are flaming hot at the idea! It's ridiculous to think about, right?

Still, a girl can dream about the possibilities.

A girl can dream about slamming her frying pan into Ike's face. Ha, kidding. Maybe.

* * *

**Author's Note: This took me awhile to write. (The word limit had me headdesking, but I finally brought it down to 2000 words!) Since it's for KoopalingFan's contest (Rules available on his profile) I realized that after I was finished, it didn't outright answer the question of what Peach thinks about being in Smash Bros. But I think (Or hope.) if I did this right then it should be apparent how Peach feels about being in Smash Bros even if it wasn't explicitly stated. **

**Form your own conclusions. There's really no wrong answer!**


	2. Zelda: The Date of Disasters

**Formerly known as _A Day in the Life of Peach_, this will now be called, _The Life and Times of the __Super Smash Sisterhood _and will basically be a bunch of one shots all detailing those lovely three girls we all call Peach, Zelda/Sheik, and Samus (So really, is that four or three?!) I doubt KoopalingFan will care that this is no longer a contest entry anyway, since the contest has been long over, and I phailed it [miserably]! XD**

**Guest appearances of Nana and other Smashers will be peppered throughout, but it'll mostly be centered around the womanly trio. While I say these are all one shots (Some may be two-shots or even three), that does not mean that they won't follow each other. They will. None of them will contradict each other.**

**So what will this be about? Um, it'll mostly be written as humor, but there will be a bit of seriousness thrown in. Will there be romance? Yes, quite a bit of that, but it won't just be romance. If it was, I would've written the title as _The Epic Fluffeh Times of the Super Smash Sisterhood_ and well, I think we can fit in more than just romance, don't you? Besides, that is a horrible title.**

**However, I'm going to be honest here and say that this is chick-lit so if you're not into that sort of humor, fluff and the like, please stay away. Stay very away. **

**If you're actually excited about this (Which is probably all of nobody) Thank sippurp123**. **If it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't have thought of expanding this. I know a couple of people were like, "This was short. I wish it didn't end!" _But guess what_, I thought at the time, _TOUGH LUCK!_**

**...Until sippurp PM'd me. She basically blackmailed me into expanding this. Ha! I kid. She just flattered me. A lot. And stroked my ego. So I was like, "Mmkay fiiiihiiine."**

**I will probably only continue this if it gets any sort of positive feedback. Otherwise, I'll drop the idea. So reviews would be great, even views/favs/follows.**

**I hate long A/N's (How are you still even reading this one?), so I'll stop here and let you get on with the show. First up (or shall I say, second up) is Zelda, told through her eyes!**

**...Wait, wait, wait. Before I go on, I absolutely do NOT own this image. It was created by the amazingly talented MessengerOfDreams who has so kindly allowed me to use his work and has spared me from running around in circles, trying to find something, and allowed me to upload this a lot earlier than I expected. So yeah, thanks Cam! You rock my socks off!**

**Okay, NOW you can move on!**

* * *

Gasping.

I am gasping for air. I think I'm going to die. I might even wish it... Even if it is a sin to wish for death. Oh Din, please, please I hope you didn't hear that. I do want to live... But I don't think I'm going to last... for much longer...

"Guys, if I see you push your butt up or drop on your stomach one more time, I will ban you from this gym and make you do fifty pushups outside!" Lyn's voice booms into my ear over the loud music. I stare at my purple mat, brown hair flipped over my shoulder and nearly touching the sweaty mat. My eyes swivel to the left to Samus whose face isn't even sweating. _How _is that even possible? Her elbows are locked perfectly just above her shoulders and the tips of her shoes are against the floor, holding the rest of her body half a foot off the floor.

Then I look towards Peach who's probably just as red in the face as I am. I catch her glaring daggers at Lyn's backside, as she heads along to check out everybody else's posture. "Whose... _brilliant _idea... was this?" she hisses in three separate breaths, sounding like a wounded rhinoceros.

"I think it was Samus's," I barely manage to say. I really don't think I can hold out for much longer especially with this loud, obnoxious music pulsing in my ears. In _my _world, music is not random sounds all mashed together. Samus told me that it is called _dubstep_ and _remixes_ and _trance_. But there is nothing about this music that puts me into a sort of trance. If I could work out to some piano or violin perhaps then I would not hate this so much._  
_

"I didn't _ask _you to come to Washboard Abs." Even though Samus has only just started breaking into a sweat, she still looks perfectly poised. "_You_ wanted to come along because of _them_." She nods towards Lyn who is now touching Ike's forearm a few mats away. "I did tell you this stuff wasn't for dumb princesses."

"Oh shut up, Samus," Peach responds irritably. Her red face turns into a delicate shade of purple as she stares at Ike who has just laughed at something Lyn has said. "What does he see in _her_?" she murmurs more to herself. Her hair is all sweaty and matted around her face and she looks like she's about to die, except for her eyes. Her eyes look... _angry_. Compared the Lyn who's dressed in skimpy workout clothes and is even wearing a touch of make up...

...Yes, I really do wonder what Ike sees in Lyn.

"Okay, switch to position three! On your back! Grab those weights and do some sit-ups!" Samus is holding a ten pound dumbell, whereas Peach and I are the only ones in the gym sporting two pounders. If I could only switch to Sheik this might be a lot easier...

If only Peach didn't hassle me to come along. I wasn't sure why she was so adamant that I go with her but five minutes into the workout, I understood. She doesn't want to be the only one who finds these exercises hard.

That is s_o _like Peach!

And naturally, _I _have to put up with it. Through sweat, blood and... Oh my Goddesses, I'm _crying _now in an effort to do these stupid crunches.

Sweat, blood and tears. My life is just a cliche, isn't it?

Somehow, it eventually ends and Samus grabs my arm and wrenches me upward. I feel sick as the gym whirls around me, a spectrum of shiny wood flooring, mirrors and other gym equipment. As I try getting over my vertigo, Peach struggles to her feet and nearly trips over herself. At that moment, Lyn smirks which sets Peach off.

"Why are you s_mirking_?" she asks, breathing hard through her nostrils. She almost falls over, and walks backwards.

Lyn's smirk deepens. "I'm smiling because of your work out. Well done, Peach."_  
_

Somehow, I don't think she means it.

But I've been wrong before. Actually, according to Samus, I've been wrong many times before.

And Peach says I am thoroughly dense and naive. Which is pretty stupid of her to say when you think about it. I mean come on, I _am s_upposed to embody the Triforce of Wisdom. So there, Peach. What Triforce do you wield? The Triforce of pink?! Or the Triforce of getting dumped by Ike?

(Oooh! Buuuurn! I am a genius!)

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, that was pretty rude. It's a good thing Peach can't read minds. She would kill me.

Speaking of which, Peach is quiet, which almost never happens. All she can do is glower at Lyn, probably because the swordswoman is right.

"Peach!" Ike calls, throwing a towel around his broad shoulders as he walks by. Peach visibly brightens as she regards him. He stares at her for a minute. "You've got something black running down your cheeks."

I am not sure who Peach is more angrier at - Ike, Lyn or Samus and I. "_Why _didn't you tell me my eyeliner was running?!" She yells later on from the bathroom in our room that we share.

Samus rolls her eyes. "I thought it was some new fashion you were trying out." And _I'm _supposed to be the stupid one. "Besides, you're not supposed to wear make up at the gym. What'd you have it on for anyway? To impress Ike?"

"Hardly!" Peach nearly yells. Which means yes, yes she was. "God Samus, don't be dumb!" We can hear the shower start and for a moment there is silence between Samus and I and in that moment, I feel bad for Peach.

"Maybe we should do something together that'll make her feel better," I suggest.

"Oh yeah?" Samus faces me, and from the look on her face, I can tell she's about to launch into a huge rant. "Why? Little Miss princess needs encouragement? Why's she still going on after that Ike guy anyway? Wasn't she was over him?"

I shrug. "Maybe she wants him to see that he's lost something important."

Samus stares at me for one long moment, scrutinizing me as well as what I've just said. Maybe she's contemplating what I've just said. But then she just snaps, "Don't be ridiculous, Zelda. You've been wrong many times before."

She pulls out her elastic band from her hair and shakes her blonde hair out as she begins to pick clothes out. In the end, she says, "_Fine_. We'll go to the movies tomorrow. Watch one of those dumb chick flicks she likes _so_ much." Still muttering angrily to herself, I can't help but smile.

As I take my own shower, I contemplate Peach and Samus. Most people think they're polar opposites, but surprisingly they are both similar in their own ways. Sure Samus isn't exactly the most feminine person alive and sure Peach probably will never enjoy getting her hands dirty, but both of them actually are of the same mold. Sometimes, it makes me feel lonely. I wish there was somebody I understood or conversely understood me.

By the time I step out of the shower, Samus has explained everything to Peach who looks slightly more cheerful. Well, that takes care of that.

...Or not. As I leave, I hear them raising their voices.

"Of _course_ you wouldn't want to watch_ Beautiful Creatures_!" Peach shrieks.

"Yeah, and why would I? It's a dumb movie about a girl who has to choose between light and dark! Like, duh, it's a no brainer what she's going to choose through the power of love!" Samus's voice is slightly muffled as her voice isn't as loud as Peach's.

"You didn't even read the book!"

I sigh and apply pressure to my temples, closing my eyes. Sometimes, living with Peach and Samus is nice and all, but their arguments really are annoying.

"You look exhausted."

"Link!" I say, cracking a smile and opening my eyes immediately. Now _here's _a guy who I can get along with all the time, no matter what. I'll be honest and say that before he and I joined Super Smash Brothers, we hardly knew each other and I was a little shy meeting him as he's always seemed to be the strong and silent type. But that couldn't be further from the case. Link is incredibly sweet. He's always there for me when I need a partner for team battling, or any kind of game. He's there to make me laugh and most importantly he's always there whenever I'm down.

...Actually, now that I think about it, he _always _just seems to be around, period.

But that's okay. He's a great friend and I'm glad that we've gotten closer.

"What are you up to?" he asks.

I purse my lips. "I'm not sure if I want to see that movie that just came out. _Beautiful Creatures_," I add when he gives me a questioning look.

"You're going to the movies tomorrow?" he asks, and I nod. His smile turns into a grin and suddenly he looks flushed but I'm not sure why. It's not exactly hot here, but maybe I think that way because I've just showered and cooled down. "Hey, can I come?"

I think about it for a second. Having Link _would _be better for me. I might not have to listen to Samus and Peach bicker relentlessly. "Sure!"

For some reason, Link looks incredibly shy but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why. After all, at Super Smash Brothers, I don't rule over him anymore. It's not like we're in Hyrule where he has to show basic courtesy towards nobility such as myself. "Thanks, Zelda! What time should I pick you up?"

Wow, he's just the nicest, isn't he? It sounds just like Link, going the extra mile. He really is a great friend and as I think about it, maybe it would be better if I did go with him, rather than Samus and Peach. Hanging around them for too long could give me a headache. "Um, maybe five PM?"

His grin gets even wider. "Five it is, my fair pret- I mean," he coughs here, and even though I didn't think it possible, his face goes even redder. "My princess."

"Link! Don't call me that! I'm not _your_ princess!" I scold gently. "I'm just another girl." There's nothing more I hate than being called a princess here after all. Unlike Peach, who seems to use the title with much gusto, I prefer having people just call me Zelda.

"Right," he says and suddenly he looks embarrassed, even a little hurt. He gives me a wave before I can ask him what's wrong and as he starts walking away he's whistling a merry tune.

Men. And they say _we're _bad.

* * *

We're in the kitchen and while Peach is making one of her disgustingly sweet concoctions, Samus decides to bring out the whole jar of fudge frosting. Currently she is spooning bits of fudge into her mouth, but she pauses when I tell them what transpired between Link and I. In fact, both she and Peach always stop doing whatever they're doing to listen to me whenever it comes to a Link conversation. Maybe Samus or Peach has a crush on him, I can't really tell. "And so he's picking me up at five. We'll meet you at the theater, if that's okay," I finish.

"You did _what?_" Peach looks absolutely furious and I can't fathom why. I mean sure, I guess it was supposed to be us three but there have been times where she's invited Mario, Luigi or Yoshi and Samus and I have never objected to it. "How could you invite Link to our girl's night out?!"_  
_

When I glance at Samus, she looks merely amused at our little exchange and there's something about that know-it-all smirk on her face that makes me irritated enough to say, "Okay so Link _isn't_ a girl! Big deal! He's still my friend! He's basically one of us, right?"

Peach opens and closes her mouth soundlessly, gaping at me. It's as if she's beyond words. Her face starts to turn purple and her eyes flit towards Samus who is laughing so hard that no noise is coming out.

"Now _all _of us are going to have to invite boys!" She thwacks her head against her palm.

This stops Samus's laughter entirely. "Wait, what? Why?"

Peach glares at Samus in the same way she always glares at me every time I share a Link story with them. Except instead of looking amusedly irritated, she just looks downright annoyed. "I will _not _be a third wheel to my own pity party!" she nearly yells.

"Um, what's a third wheel?" I ask timidly, unfamiliar with the term. I'm thinking about the horse-drawn carriages from Hyrule, but somehow, I don't think Peach means that.

Samus rolls her eyes, ignoring my question. "You're not going to be a third wheel, Peach because I'm going to be there."

Peach whines, "It isn't the same! We _all _have to have guys!"

"This is ridiculous, Peach! Just because Zelda decided to invite her uh, _friend_ along," Samus says, putting a strange sort of emphasis on the term "friend." "Doesn't mean _we_ have to! I refuse to invite somebody!"

Peach furrows her eyes together. "Suit yourself! Be your own third wheel!"

"I will be my own third wheel!" And before Peach can get another word out, Samus stomps out of the kitchen, spoon still clamped in her mouth.

Peach glares at me. "This is all your fault!"

Okay, so maybe I take back what I said earlier about men thinking we're bad.

Maybe we really _are_ that bad.

* * *

At this point in time, I'm waiting at the front steps of the Mansion for Link. Peach, Samus and I are not speaking to each other. I think we're all fighting, but how _I've _gotten dragged into this, I'll never know.

"Sorry for making you wait, Zel!" Link's voice resonates when he opens the door. I twist my body around to look at him and _whoa_.

I say _whoa_, with the italics and all because he looks _good. _(And yes, the good is with italics as well) Like, good enough to go to an upscale restaurant. I don't think I've ever seen Link without his cap before but right now his dirty blond hair has been combed and I can see all of it. Instead of his usual tunic he's wearing a button down white shirt that's folded up to expose a quarter of his arms and he's wearing dress pants.

_Whoa_ is accurate because I've opted to dress _down_. I'll probably never wear pants, but I'm just wearing a simple purple sundress and not a hint of make up.

Great.

"You look... good," Link says, as if the words are hard for him to get out. Which means I probably look awful. "Shall we go?"

I nod once and silently we start to walk towards the car. It's nice to listen to nothing once in awhile and for a second all I can do is hear is the light breeze and watch the horizon turn a soft lavender.

Link opens the door for me and I give him a strange look as I get into the car. "You don't _have_ to do that, you know," I say. "We're not in Hyrule anymore."

Link looks anything but relaxed. "Oh...? Yeah? Sorry! I mean, uh, I guess it's stupid if I do everything for you all the time, huh?"

For some reason this kind of upsets me so I frown. "You don't do everything for me all the time." I guess my response comes out a little terse because Link's eyes widen and he clams up completely. Uneasily, I wait for him to turn on the ignition and drive out.

The whole way to the theater we are silent and it looks like Link isn't enjoying my company. He looks nervous.

Huh. Didn't know that I could do that with just six words. It couldn't have been what I said, right? Because it really _isn't _true! I mean, sure Link did save Hyrule but didn't I help him take down Ganondorf with my light arrows? You've gotta have wicked aim to shoot correctly and not_ everyone _can do it. Not even the so called, "Hero of Twilight!"

"Zelda..."

"Link..."

We both say it at the same time.

"You first," he says, his knuckles turning white against the steering wheel.

"No you."

"Please," he says and there's an edge to his voice that I've never heard Link use with me before. "Go ahead, _princess_."

I _hate_ when he calls me that! But I can't let him get under my skin. That would be impolite, especially since he's driving and how does he even know how to drive? Plus, he looks _good_. I mean, Link always looks fine, but he looks good especially today and somehow that factors into me not blowing up at him.

I don't understand myself sometimes, either. What were we even talking about again?

Oh, right.

"I just wanted to know how you've been since Midna left. You seem to miss her a lot." Wait, why did I say that?

Rule one about Link Club, if such a thing ever existed: (Not that _I_ would have joined it. Hmph.) You don't talk about Midna. Rule two? Don't talk about Midna. Because evidently it is the wrong thing to say. Crash and burn, mayday, mayday, _maaayday_. I can see Link clench his teeth reflexively. I know what he's going to say, _It's none of your business_.

Instead, he says through a grinding jaw, "I'm fine."

He slams the brakes on the car a little too hard which makes me cry out to Nayru. Somehow, this makes his face soften and his shoulders uncoil into a more relaxed position. He mutters a gentle apology and I wonder what I've just said. Does he pity me? I bite my lip a little too hard and I swear, I almost draw blood.

I walk out of the car, making it a point to open the door by myself. It's a little bit difficult, considering it takes me awhile to locate the handle. Darn cars. I never understood the appeal of them.

I mean _sure _they get you to places quicker than horse drawn carriages, but they also mess up the environment with their fuel!

Link waits outside my door until I finally realize I'm supposed to _pull_ not _push_ on the handle and as soon as I slam the door shut, he presses a button which locks the door. To ease out of the tension, I ask, "So when did you learn to command such a vehicle?"

Link relaxes a bit more as we walk towards the theater entrance and gives me a slow smile and I decide that I like that smile. It's a lot better than grinding his teeth down to his gums at any rate. "I had Snake teach me."

"But why?"

Link shrugs. "Well, how else were we supposed to get here?"

I open my mouth and then close it several times. I have heard Samus and Peach complain about how it took them nearly a week to actually drive and it took them half a year to get parking down perfectly. How is it possible that Link learned how to drive in a _day_? And that too, just for a regular hangout?

I feel like the answer's at the tip of my tongue, but I just can't figure it out. Before I have a chance to think more deeply about it however, I see Peach, Marth and Samus, and Samus looks moodier than ever.

"Well it's about time you showed up," she snapped.

Link now looks confused so he turns towards me for answers. "Wait, what? You invited them?"

"Of course I did. It was originally supposed to be just me, Samus and Peach, but when you asked to come along, I decided, why not? Besides, you're a friend of mine too!"

From the corner of my eye, I can see that Marth and Peach are trying to hide a smile as if they're both sharing a private joke. Even Samus looks like her bad mood is about to break. _What _is so funny?

"Yeah," Link mutters. "Just a friend."

* * *

Somehow we've all managed to pile into the theater and watch _Warm Bodies,_ a sort of compromise between Samus and Peach. "There'd better be blood in this," Samus grumbles to herself.

"It's about the zombie apocalypse, I'm sure there'll be some," Marth takes a seat next to me.

"Uh, dude...?" Link asks, hovering in front of Marth.

Marth stares up at him, an eyebrow raised. "You're blocking the screen. Can you move?"

Link stands there looking out of place, until Peach elbows Marth. "Maybe you should move down, Marth."

Marth crosses his arms and huffs. "That'll cost you ten dollars."

Peach narrows her eyes at him. "Will you move _already_? I already paid a hefty sum and I'm not paying you anymore." Marth quails under her gaze and decides to move one seat down.

"Wait, you _paid_ Marth to be your date?" Samus crows with laughter on my other side.

"You're on a date with Marth? And what is a date?" I ask, completely baffled. Peach must really have a thing for blue haired swordsmen, although if you asked me I would never have pictured them together. Friendship, yes, but romantically, not really. Perhaps a 'date' just means hanging out alone as friends.

I should ask Peach more about this later on.

"No!" Marth and Peach both say at the same time.

Okay, now I'm beyond confused, but before I can ask what they mean somebody else interrupts.

"Shut up!" A voice above hisses and when we all turn to see who it is, it's none other than Sonic. "The movie's starting, and this is going to be the best movie of the year!" He's loaded with a jumbo-sized bucket of movie theater popcorn, a large soda and a bunch of candy.

So we all settle in, feeling a bit cowed by the blue hedgehog, and then the movie begins to play.

Except I'm not really watching the movie. Because once the lights go off, my heart skips a beat and my mind seems to pick up and slow down at the same time. The actress on the screen doesn't seem real. Nothing seems real, until I take one simple, _look_.

I don't understand why I do. I've seen his face so many times before, enough that when I close my eyes, I can get the details down to the last barely-there freckle that's painted on the side of his nose. I guess there's just something about the way the movie's light reflects off those vibrant eyes of his - a tropical ocean that acts as a vacuum to my own eyes.

He turns his head too and suddenly his face is a lot more interesting to me. The irritation that we held for one another has disappeared somehow in that one look.

_"I just want to connect. Why can't I connect with people?_" the actor - some Tom Cruise lookalike demands in a strangely flat voice. The line hovers between us, a question somehow only meant for us and us only. And the answer is there somewhere too, lying somewhere in the darkness, maybe even within us. Maybe that's why I'm looking at Link so hard.

The spell is broken when the next line comes up. _"Oh right, it's because I'm dead._" Because that's when Marth nudges Link in the back asking for popcorn, making him jump. Popcorn flies everywhere and somehow, the coke spills on my dress and his slacks and there's a flurry of napkins, shrieks coming from Peach and Marth, and the occasional wry comment from Samus. ("Let's pretend I didn't see _this_ happening.") Sonic gives us a murderous glare - as if he's in possession of a Chaos Emerald and will use it against all of us.

Somehow, the five of us are asked to leave - Peach's and Marth's shrieking somehow disrupted the whole theater. I can't remember the details of how we all left, just that Samus, Peach and Marth want a ride in the car Link took because the bus isn't due for another two hours and Samus insists on being a driver, as Link's a new driver and all. And so that's how I sat in the front and Link sat in the back, next to Marth who complained for practically the whole ride about what a disaster the date was. Again, but with less curiosity, I wonder what a _date_ is. In my kingdom, we have things like courting, but that exists between a girl and a boy who have romantic feelings for one another.

What if dating and courting are the same thing? If that were the case, then does that mean Link and I were simply hanging out, courting or were we on this date?

"You couldn't pay me _enough_ money to go on another outing with you," Marth says.

Samus rolls her eyes as Peach begins yelling at him again and somehow, my eyes find that tiny mirror above - What is it called again? A viewing mirror? A rearview mirror? - to look at Link who is just staring out the window, a different sort of quiet than the one I am used to.

What is he thinking? It's hard to say why I'm so interested. But the way his eyes seem so withdrawn makes me wonder if he's sad or confused. And when we all climb out, he merely says, "Night, Zelda."

No, _I had a great time! _or _This was fun, let's do it again! _Just, "Night, Zelda." As if his thoughts are so much more important than reality.

And I want to bring him back.

So I do.

I lean up close, and before he can say anything or I talk myself out of this, I place the swiftest of kisses on his cheek. "Goodnight, Link."

And then I leave him behind so I can sort out my own feelings.

* * *

**So yeah. Those lines apparently _do_ come from the movie, _Warm Bodies_, a movie I haven't seen yet but really want to! (I love _The Walking Dead_ and somehow a zombie romance seems like something amusing to watch - whether horribly done or not)**

**And that's it. Stay tuned for more and if it doesn't trouble you, please tell me what you thought. Feedback is _always_ appreciated. **


	3. Samus: The Men's Locker Room

In the end, it was a draw.

Her sword versus my gun, the necks of both weapons pressing against each other. The cool surface of her blade presses against my hair, and my gun is aimed directly at the space between her eyes. She stares at me, panting heavily. And then her mouth breaks into a grin. "Okay, you win." And she slumps to the polished ground.

I slump too, breathing heavily. My hair is plastered against the sides of my cheek. I mean yeah, I'm not Peach who needs to put like a jillion hair products in her hair, but I know I probably look like a sweaty mess. "No, you got me good."

For a moment, that's all we can hear; us trying to catch our breaths. And then suddenly she turns to face me suspiciously. "Why are you being so nice?"

I think about the question for a second. Because you know, Samus Aran isn't exactly known for being nice. Ridiculous stereotyping, that's what it is. I force my legs to pick me up so I can head towards my water bottle. "I'm not being nice. I just needed practice."

"You could have asked your friends, Zelda and _that_ Peach," Lyn counters.

I ignore the way Lyn says Peach's name. Sometimes girls are weird. Then again, I'm one of them, so I can't really complain. I decide not to say anything. Hairy situation and all, you know. I take a gulp of water and begin to chug the whole thing down, closing my eyes to enjoy the sweetness of the moment. Water well earned.

"Do you think he's still into her?"

Aaand cue the choking that almost kills me. The water goes down the wrong tunnel and suddenly water's my worst enemy and I'm gagging and Lyn is just standing there. Waiting for an answer. Not acknowledging that I might die if I don't cough up all the water. I know who she's talking about of course. Ike Greil, Overly Buff Swordsman Who Is Evil Because He Cheated On Peach With Lyn And Therefore We Must All Hate Him And Her.

I swear, all the girls here are psycho. _All_ of them. When I manage to cough it all up (Yes, thank you Lyn. You are my lifesaver. _Not_.) I see that Lyn's still staring at me, unfazed by the near-death experience. Heartless swords-woman. Normally, this would impress me. But now I'm suddenly beginning to understand Peach's hatred.

Sort of.

Nervously, I swallow. Because okay, just because I'm a girl which means boobies, PMS, and curves, does not mean I understand how to react to these kinds of questions. Peach is an expert at them, and sometimes Zelda has her moments too. But me?

My idea of confronting this question would be to say what's on my mind. Which in this case is, "I don't know."

Yeah, profound and all. But honestly, what did she expect?

She sighs something that sounds painfully wistful. "He probably is."

"Erm." Because that's how I sound in these situations.

"It's just that whenever I hear him talk about Peach, it just _feels_ like he misses her. You know?"

"Yeah..." I answer vaguely, capping my water bottle and wondering why Lyn thought it was a good idea to talk to me about this kind of stuff. Because truthfully, if there was anyone who could give her good advice it would be Peach.

Except you know, they hate each other and all.

Damn it all to Brinstar.

"You think he does then?" Lyn's voice is shrill.

"What?" And it takes me several moments to understand what I've said that vague 'yeah' to. "No," I say, shaking my head vigorously as if that'll erase the damage I've unwittingly wrought. "No, I don't think so at all!" You're screwed, Samus. Try talking yourself out of this one, why don't you?

"You just said he _does_ think about her!"

"I didn't mean it." Truthfully, I have no idea what goes on in Ike's head. He's really quiet and brooding. I think that's what attracted Peach to him in the beginning.

And maybe the muscles. If you're into that sort of thing, I guess. Not that I've _noticed_ those things about him. Really.

But if I have to be honest, Ike doesn't really let on what he feels which is why I guess even I was surprised when Peach bawled to the world that she caught him with Lyn. If he couldn't help himself that much then he probably really did have strong feelings for Lyn. I never told Peach that because I know she'd probably break my face with that frying pan of her's (I swear, I think it's made of titanium encrusted diamonds or something) and send me to the hospital wing. _Again_.

"Then?" She glares expectantly. "How can you be sure?"

I know I should say it. The reasoning. The fact that Ike _did_ something like that proves he's totally head over heels for Lyn. But my throat sticks. Like I said, not really good with the girl talk. So instead I say, "I'll prove it. I'll give it to you from his own mouth."

Sometimes, I think I might be the smartest person I know. (Not.)

§

"I don't understand." Zelda's brow wrinkles in confusion when I tell her everything. "What do you want me to do?" And that's how I know that I'm doomed.

"You have to pretend to be a guy and ask Ike how he feels about Lyn!"

Zelda raises an eyebrow, her protuberant eyes widening to show worry and puzzlement. "But I am not a man. And besides, if I recall correctly was he not courting Lyn? Therefore, shouldn't he possess strong and romantic feelings for her?"

I suck in a breath through my teeth, feeling an urge to rip out the blades of grass currently wedged between my fingers. But I know that Snake would kill me for that. Out of all people, Snake really hates it when people mess with the garden which is where I dragged Zelda to. Yeah, I didn't see it coming from him either, but I suppose everybody has their guilty pleasures. Just don't ask me what _mine_ is. _I _don't have any.

I already knew that dragging Peach into this mess would result in the fury of that frying pan of her's. Or tennis racket. Or golf club. Take your pick, really. She has a whole arsenal of seemingly innocent objects that she can turn into weapons. Like turnips.

"Yeah," I say trying not to fume. "But she wants reaffirmation that she's the only girl for him and that he's not still thinking about Peach."

"That's impossible."

I frown. "What do you mean?"

Zelda shrugs. "People will sometimes think of their past lovers from time to time. They cannot help it. What Lyn is asking for borderlines on the impossible."

"That's ridiculous," I snort. As usual, Zelda spews some sort of dumb nonsense. If there's one thing Peach and I agree on, it's the fact that the Triforce of Wisdom definitely does _not_ belong to her.

It must have been a mistake. Or maybe her goddesses just wanted a really long laugh.

At any rate, Zelda stares at me as if I hadn't just laughed at her. She continues, "I do not see why you cannot do it. You understand men better than I."

This is because for the longest time, everybody thought I was a dude and ever since then I've been labeled as many things - a dyke (That was Peach), a tomboy (Okay, this _might _be true, but _really__?_ Why can't I just be a girl who doesn't like overly feminine things?), a tranny (Zelda couldn't seem to wrap her head around the fact that I didn't mind being a girl), and a cross-dresser (Practically every male in Smash Brothers) amongst other labels.

All because women apparently can't wear power suits. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Smash Brothers is a completely sexist industry. It's even in its name! But now's not the time to go on a feminist rant.

Concentrate, Samus. Concentrate.

"You can transform into Sheik," I point out.

Zelda presses her lips tightly together. "My other _half_ does not come upon command."

Which is another way of saying, "I don't wanna do it." Because I've seen Zelda transform into Sheik whenever she's about to lose and desperately needs speed over power.

And there was that one time I caught her filching Fox's stash of adult magazines just to see what they contained. Rather than being embarrassed or shocked, she was simply puzzled. "But why would Fox want to look at these unclothed women-foxes?"

Said the most modestly clothed woman in Smash Brothers.

Yeah, so "doesn't come upon command" my butt...

Still, I know that once her mind's made up, I can't convince her otherwise. I guess this is a solo mission.

I hate my life. Most of the time.

§

_Samus, can you hear me?_

Maybe I'm not completely alone. Zelda has agreed to invade my mind on this little excursion - Probably because she's _also_ curious to see what's going on. Peach and I have talked for hours about how she was crushing on Link but you probably know by now - she's too dumb to figure it out herself.

"Yeah, of course," I grumble, looking at myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a short brown wig and hazel contacts. I also dyed my eyebrows brown. Zelda insisted that I do it with real dye but I put my foot down on that. There was no way in hell I was going _that_ far. Zelda had also told me to put on a fake beard so I had spent a painstaking hour gluing stubble to my face. The directions said it would only take ten minutes, which is why nobody reads directions anymore.

The worst part was taping my boobs down and figuring out what to wear that would disguise my "womanly" assets. Zelda and I decided that we would wear Sheik's armor underneath and on top I'd wear a red power suit. On my wrist was a very small recording device that was designed to look like a wristwatch.

In the end, the wig itched worse than lice and the armor that belonged to Sheik was uncomfortably tight. But I looked like a man.

A _hot_ man.

_You have quite a big ego_, Zelda tells me and I realize that she can hear everything I was thinking.

_Of course I can hear everything you are thinking. Also, what is a crush?_

"Gah, go away, Zelda!" I snap, feeling ridiculous that she had heard everything I was saying.

_Do you think I am crushing him because I spend so much time with him? Because I'll have you know that I haven't really spent much time with him!_

"Of course not," I say, rolling my eyes and stepping out of the public bathroom and into the hallway. Almost immediately, I run into Sonic who gives me the once over.

"What are you doing in here?"

"Why _can't _I be here?" I retort. Never liked Sonic. It's like I always say - never trust anything from Sega.

_You don't belong here, Samus! Remember you aren't you, so he's being perfectly normal by asking you that question!_

Oh, yeah. Right. "I mean," I say, clearing my throat and adopting a more gravelly voice. "I got lost. I'm new."

Sonic eyes me suspiciously. "Oh, really? I don't seem to remember you... unless," and here his eyes narrow as he furrows his brow deeper. I see the dawning realization hit his face and I am prepared to tell him that this wasn't my idea, that I _don't_ cross-dress for fun when he says, "You must be that cheap knock-off. I _told_ Master Hand, Megaman or nothing!" He glares at me, like this is my fault and when I don't respond due to my bafflement, he says, "Oh don't act like you're so confused! Everybody wanted Megaman, but obviously his contract would have been too expensive so we got stuck with you!"

"Me?" I can't help but splutter in confusion. It's only then that I realize that my costume _does_ look shockingly similar to Megaman's, except for the fact that it's red and that my helmet looks slightly different.

"We all know you're Microman!" Sonic says, rolling his eyes. "You don't have to hide it now that you're here."

I'm about to open my mouth in protest but Zelda says, _You better just go along with it. At least you don't have to think up an identity yourself. _And though I don't want to admit it, Zelda has actually made a rational point. Alert the masses, the apocalypse should arrive soon.

"Fine," I say quietly, so Sonic doesn't hear me. Aloud I say, "Well, you're right. I'm still not sure if this is the right place for me. So I was wondering if I could spend the day with the men around here to give me a tour of the place."

Sonic stares at me for one long moment. Then he says, "Are you gay?"

"No!"

Sonic continues to stare at me suspiciously before gesturing at me to follow him. "Well, I guess I can take you to the men's locker room. I think Ike and Link have just finished a team battle with Captain Falcon and Marth, so most of the guys should be there.

_Perfect_, Zelda and I think at the same time.

§

This is the first time I've ever been in the men's locker room and the first thing I notice is the smell. The air here is damp, like sweat, but that's not what attacks my nostrils. It's the sharp, heady scent of cologne and aftershave. I'll be honest here and say that I _love_ the scent of cologne and aftershave... but this was way too much!

_You enjoy the way a male smells?_

"Why is that so surprising?!" I protest.

"What?" Sonic asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Uh," I say. "I just didn't think the walls would be white. So I mean, that's surprising." The walls are the exact shade of the girl's locker room, and the actual lockers themselves are a deep blue. There are benches between them with shirts and shorts draped over some of them. There is nothing strange about this locker room, and the expression on Sonic's face seems to confirm this as he shoots me a nasty look that seems to suggest that he thinks I am brain dead.

"C'mon," he says, leading me by the showers and _oh my God_.

_What is "oh my God?"_ Zelda demands, frustration apparent in her voice that she cannot see what I can.

Ike passes me by and holy Metroids, he's got an _eight-pack_ going on. An eight pack! I didn't even know that actually existed without the aid of steroids! Shaking my head furiously to clear my head, I watch him walk by, with nothing but a fluffy white towel wrapped around his waist. His biceps bulge as he reaches for another smaller towel to dry his wet hair. Droplets slide down his neck, languidly, so slow, down his pecs and-

I take a deep breath, itching at my helmet because the wig is really starting to bug me. Now I understand why Peach was so upset to break up with_ that_.

"His name is Microman, and he's one of those cheap Megaman wannabes," Sonic is explaining, jerking his thumb at me. He's talking to Captain Falcon, who has his helmet off for once. He's got bristly brown hair plastered around his face and he's hardly looking at me.

"Come to think of it, I did hear about a Microman before," Captain Falcon says.

I let out a deep breath and suddenly all the male Smashers want to see me. That includes, Luigi, Mario, Link, Marth, and Snake. After the initial shock of seeing Ike mostly naked, it's a lot easier to look at the rest of the guys and they all introduce themselves one by one.

Snake says, "This here's Link, but I'm sure you've already heard of him."

_Ask him about Midna. _

"No!" I say loudly, because I only came here for Lyn and I'm _not_ going on a ridiculous side quest here.

All the male Smashers stare at me.

"Uh, that is," I stutter. "I've never heard of Link before." God, how stupid do I sound?

Link's mouth drops open. "You've never heard of _The Legend of Zelda_ before?"

I chuckle nervously. "Well, yeah, but I thought your name was..." Crap, what do I say now? "Zelda?"

There's a very pregnant pause as all of the male Smashers stare at me horrified. "Dude, are you even a real gamer?" Luigi asks.

"Zelda is a _girl_ name," Marth adds. "It's about Link's adventure, but the Legend is essentially about Zelda's quest for Link. Usually, that is. In the case of Majora's Mask for example-"

"Shut up, Marth, I think he gets the point," Falcon says breezily as I fidget. I'm trying very hard not to reach inside my jumpsuit and adjust Sheik's armor. The way my boobs are just so squashed together is what's really killing me.

"Oh," I say, and because they're all so suspicious, I decide to say something I _think_ might be manly. "So basically you do things for her because you wanna hook up with her, am I right?"

Link turns white and protests, "No! That's not it!"

Mario rolls his eyes. "Oh please, he totally has it bad for Zelda. Peach told me about the poetry that she found in his-"

But before he can complete the thought, Link clamps a hand over Mario's mouth and shoves him away. "Zelda and I are just friends. That's basically it. I hardly even knew her before I joined the tournament." His face reddens as he says it.

_Just friends?_ and for the first time I can't really decipher Zelda's voice, when she echoes him.

But there's something in it that makes me feel bad enough to say, "So uh, if you don't like Zelda then who _do _you like? I heard about a certain girl called... Midn-"

Captain Falcon jabs me in the ribs with his elbow and I swear, I hear a slight _crack_ when he does so. I try not to yell in pain. "You mean Ilia?" he asks loudly, drowning out what I'm about to say. He laughs too and it sounds forced. "Oh no, they're just friends."

There's a slight nervous laughter going on which means I won't learn about Midna today.

_He must really love her_...

I want to say that she doesn't know that for sure, but how can I reassure her when it looks that way? Everybody knows Link and Midna spent a lot of time together saving Hyrule, while Zelda was trying to keep her kingdom together. I also know from Zelda that she's unnaturally beautiful. "As a matter of fact," Zelda had said. "She reminded me somewhat of you. Fiercely protective and very stubborn. Horrible temper." I didn't know what she was talking about. I didn't have a horrible temper.

I cleared my throat to try and dispel the awkwardness. "So what about the other girls around here? Anyone to bang?"

Marth gives me an affronted look. "Girls are not to be banged. They are to be courted."

But Captain Falcon says, "All of them are totally bangable. Peach has a nice ass, if you're into that sort of thing." It takes all of my being to not roll my eyes. Of _course_ Falcon would say something like that. Pervert and all.

"Falcon, that's gross," Mario says, looking sick.

"How? She's hot, but annoying. She has a big mouth."

"She's alright," Mario says and I guess I understand why he sounds weird. I know Peach and Mario are very close friends. I suppose Mario's never considered her as a girl.

"Dude, you're obviously blind," Falcon said.

"Can we _not_ talk about Peach?" Ike interrupted.

Bingo! Just the entry, I need.

_What's a bingo?_

Ignoring Zelda's question, I focus on Ike. "I bet you attract the ladies around here, considering," I gesture towards his body that may as well be photoshopped. "So, if not Peach, who has your eye?"

Ike glowers at me, which is pretty much the only kind of face I've ever seen him use. Kind of deadly sexy, but at the same time it makes me just want to punch him in the face. "I don't want to talk about it."

Surreptitiously, I flick on my recording device. "Why not?"

"Because, Peach and Ike once dated," Mario interrupted. "Then she caught him cheating on her with Lyn."

Ike's frown turns deeper at Mario's words. "She's annoying. I don't regret what I did."

I notice Mario's hands begin to glow a fiery red so I clear my throat to prevent what could be a very _heated_ battle (Buh, dum, _tish_!). "So Lyn, huh? What do you think about her?"

Ike turns on me. "What's it to you?" he snaps, and he gets up. "Why are you even asking?" Now, I'm a tall person myself. Heck, I'm six feet tall. But Ike is a _monster_. So when he stands up while I sit down there nearly a three foot distance between his face and mine. I gulp._  
_

"Whoa there," Link says, standing between Ike and I defensively. "No need to start a fight."

I laugh nervously. "Okay, let's move on. If Peach is annoying, and Lyn is uh... off topic, is there anybody else?"

"There's Samus," Luigi quips.

"Oh my God, I know, she's got an ass that would swallow up a G-string." This comes from Captain Falcon.

_Samus..._ Zelda calls out warningly, but I'm beyond warnings. My fists clench.

"Enough. This is not the way to talk about women," Marth cuts in sharply, saving me from showing them my real identity. "Microman, no offense, but you're in no position to ask any questions about the women that stay here."

His words make my blood freeze over because honestly, I don't remember seeing this courteous side of Marth beforehand when Peach paid him to go on a date with her.

"Marth is a feminist," Snake whispers conspiratorially to me, as if that meant I should disregard everything he said.

"So what?" Marth protests. "Look, I've spent some time with Samus. She might be cold to all of you, but she's actually really nice." Whoa, I think and hope that nobody notices my cheeks turn red.

_I had always assumed that Marth was attracted to males,_ Zelda said in a surprised tone.

"No, that's fanon," I counter. There was that one time that Zelda, Peach and I once went read fanfiction, and ever since then Zelda had come to the conclusion that Marth was gay. Peach and I hadn't bothered to correct her.

Silence envelops us, upon my words.

"Dude, you're totally weird. I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear you reference to fanfiction written about us and just leave," Sonic says disgustedly. A chorus of murmured agreements follow him. And as they all leave, I hear Snake murmur to himself, "And besides, Samus isn't even nice in fanfiction."

My mouth twists but I don't try to stop them because honestly, this mission was a failure from the moment it began and I just want to kick myself to agreeing to such a stupid mission. At least I've taken care of the fact that Microman won't be recruited to Smash Brothers. There's no way any he would admit himself in after alienating himself from a good chunk of the Smashers.

Slowly, I get up, avoiding the discarded towels and clothing when I hear something. "Hey Microman, wait." It's Captain Falcon who apparently is the only guy who hasn't left yet. Ugh, great. His comment about my butt reverberates through my head and I try not getting _too _worked up over it. Knowing Captain Falcon, it could have been worse.

Forcing a tight smile on my face, I whirl around to face him. "What?" I ask, as he approaches me. I can't help the next words. "Any other women with asses that could swallow up a G-string?"

Falcon grins widely and says, "Oh, so you like that song, right? By Kanye West?" He stops just a foot away from me and it only occurs to me now that this is the first time I've interacted with Falcon and we are alone.

And _now_ I realize why that comment sounded so familiar. Kanye West may have good music, but sometimes I do try to forget about the sexist lyrics and focus more on the catchy tune. Captain Falcon reaches out and before I can protest, he removes the helmet and frowns, muttering, "Wrong hair color..." His eyes brighten and he reaches out again and yanks at the wig. My blond hair comes tumbling out before I can slap his hands away.

_Just tell him you're Microwoman_, Zelda suggests. And I ignore this because, come _on_, that is probably the most stupid suggestion I've heard. Even for Zelda.

"What are you...?"

"The question should be, what possessed you to spy on us all along?" Captain Falcon's smirk broadens. "Did you honestly think you'd get away with it?"

"You _knew_ all along?" I can't help but squawk. What the heck is going on? I stare at him and suddenly I'm aware that we're almost the same height without our helmets. I used to be slightly taller than him with my armor but now it appears that _he's_ the one who may be taller by a few centimeters. I stare into his almost black eyes which are full of amusement at the moment.

"Obviously."

"_How?_"

Captain Falcon shrugs, finally looking away. He crosses his arms and takes a step backward to allow me to leave. "I could tell that you weren't really comfortable with what you were wearing. You itched your head and kept fidgeting. It dawned on me that with all the questions you were asking about the girls in particular, that you might've been one of them. Well, I wasn't completely sure it was you at first. I knew it couldn't be Zelda. She'd never stoop so low."

I hear Zelda make a self-satisfied noise and I snort, thinking about nude magazines.

_You tell Falcon about that and I will make sure you will not live to see another day._

Who knew Zelda could be so scary? I shiver. "Go on," I say raising my eyebrow.

"So I narrowed it down to you or Peach because Lyn's dating Ike and therefore she could ask him anything she wanted to know." Captain Falcon opens a locker and grabs his battling costume. "So I said stuff about you and Peach. I saw that you got pretty angry about the G-string comment so..." he trails off.

I've been duped, I realize. By a stupid bounty hunter slash racer, no less. He had read me so fast, it was scary. There's only one thing left to do, I realize. "You won't... tell anyone, will you?" I ask uncertainly.

Captain Falcon finishes neatly folding his costume and lays it in his gym bag, zipping it up as he does so. "No," he finally answers. "It'll be our little secret. I promise." When he looks at me, his mouth is no longer grinning and his eyes look intent. Looks sincere enough to me.

I want to say thank you, but the words don't come out and I'm not sure why. Pride, maybe? I don't want him to think I'm a suck up, that he's being merciful towards me. Whatever the reason is, I realize that I've horribly stereotyped Captain Falcon all along. Maybe he's not such a misogynist jerk who hits it and then quits it.

"But Samus," he says, looking up at me and giving me a slow wink. "I really think you do have a nice derrière."

I stand corrected.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, how long did I take on this? Too long it seems! :P Well, here is chapter three and I apologize for the long wait. I've been busy trying to finish my entry for EC and Pit's Novelty Contest (And I have like, 15,000 words to go, judging by how it's going so far!) Anyway, I also have exams coming up so there's that.**

**Microman does not actually exist, in case you were wondering. And also the name of the song Captain Falcon quoted is actually Jay-Z's "Run this Town" featuring Kanye West and Rihanna.**

**Anyway, what else? Oh, I'm always welcome to suggestions, scenarios and the like. I have some things planned out, but as always I'm curious to read any feedback as well as any ideas. For example, if there's anybody you'd like to see, or a situation that the girls may find themselves in... I can't promise that I'll actually do any suggestions, but that being said, if I _like_ it and it fits, I could certainly give it a whirl.**

**Again, thank you for reading this. Til next time!**


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